


Jesse "Yes I Own Weed Pants What of It" McCree and How Hanzo Fucked A Cryptid

by DoctorQui



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Fluff, Genji Shimada is a Little Shit, M/M, gross flirting, jesse is so whipped for hanzo, least i hope so, pharah is cheeky af, prompt is a shitpost but its written alright
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 16:40:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoctorQui/pseuds/DoctorQui
Summary: Would you do it?Otherwise titled: Appearances are deceiving and Hanzo and Jesse are stubborn





	Jesse "Yes I Own Weed Pants What of It" McCree and How Hanzo Fucked A Cryptid

**Author's Note:**

> So [Lefty](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LeftHand), the love of my life and my favorite person ever, was taking requests, and drew this [amazing picture](http://mccrees-left-arm.tumblr.com/post/161192863413/concept-blackwatch-jesse-is-boasting-that-he-is) when I asked for Jesse in weed pants. I thought it was fuckin' hilarious and that I'd write a little 500 word blurb. This is 2k. 
> 
> Enjoy

“It’s the accent.” 

 

Jesse shook his head, leaning back on the edge of his bed with a shit-eating grin. “Can't be. Tried flirtin’ without it before and it works all the same. I'm tellin’ you Fareeha, I’m just that good.”

 

Fareeha raised an eyebrow and strode over to Jesse’s closet, tall and confident. She’d really grown these past couple of years. Jesse’s smile softened as he watched her poke around, eyes sliding over each detail of the room carefully. He couldn’t help but think she looked more like her mother every day. 

 

“Alright then. Since you’re so  _ charming,  _ it’ll be no problem if I pick out your outfit, right? Bet you can’t bag a single guy wearing what I’ll give you.”

 

Sharp-witted as her mother too.

 

“Whatever you say, little miss,” Jesse responded with an easy shrug of his shoulders. “I can make anythin’ work, just you wait and see.”

 

Fareeha simply hummed and opened the lacquered wood in front of her. It shouldn’t be  _ too  _ hard to find something ridiculous in Jesse McCree’s closet, right?

\---

“Brother, please. I don’t think you even know what a dick looks like.” Genji laughed and moved his knight forward. He always did this when they played shogi together--joked around like he wasn’t paying attention, then pulled a devastating combo when his opponent least expected it.

 

Hanzo always expected it. 

 

“Considering that I have one myself, I would say I do very much know. Who are you to lecture me about my love life anyway, Genji? You are out all the time, so you wouldn’t know what I get up to in my free time.” He frowned and considered the board before carefully picking up his lance and shifting it further from Genji’s knight. He had the sinking feeling he was playing right into his brother’s hands, but as long as he kept his guard up it’d work out.

 

Genji snorted. “Come on, you think I don’t know a hopeless Shimada when I see one? You couldn’t get a guy if you  _ tried, _ Hanzo.” There went the knight again, following his lance.

 

“I very well could!” Hanzo huffed, pushing a rook forward. “I’ll prove it. Tonight, we will go to the bar together. I will get a date with the first person I see, and then  _ you _ will have to drop this nonsense. Deal?”

 

Genji grinned and smacked his king piece down, the resounding  _ thwack _ of the wood ringing like a warning bell in Hanzo’s ears. “Your funeral, brother.”

\---

“You cannot be serious.”

 

Genji’s cackles rang out behind him, like a howling patch of monkeys or the sound of five pairs of nails screeching down a chalkboard. It only added further insult to the injury of the sight in front of him--an obviously American man, hairy-chested and grinning, likely drunk, wearing what was quite honestly the most ridiculous outfit he had ever seen. If the boastful purple tank top spelled out in  _ emojis _ of all things wasn’t enough, the marijuana-patterned leggings certainly were. Hanzo had to blink a few times just to make sure Genji hadn’t slipped something into their pre-game sake. 

 

“Howdy there darlin’! Come here often?” The man spoke up, words rumbling through his chest like warm shochu. His cheeks were ever so slightly darkened, Hanzo noticed, so at least he seemed somewhat aware he should be embarrassed in this situation. That, or he’d downed enough liquid courage already to be able to ignore it. 

 

Hanzo, on the other hand, could not ignore it. Tempted as he was to run as far away from this situation as possible, he was all too aware of Genji’s eyes on the back of his head, and the promise he’d made not five hours prior. 

 

And Hanzo Shimada was never one to go back on a promise.

 

He stepped up to the bar with a world-weary sigh and looked at the stranger with something approaching amusement. At least, he hoped that’s what it was.

 

“Not exactly. You do not seem to be...in place here, either,” Hanzo managed to grit out, a hesitant smile coming to his lips. 

 

The man didn’t notice his reticence (or if he did, he ignored it), and smiled widely. “Well, ain’t exactly every day I see a real live angel walk into some dingy joint like this. What’s your name, sweetheart?”

 

Hanzo tried not to gag at the disgustingly cliché compliment. Keep it simple, keep it civil. Be nice, Hanzo, you can do this. Even if the man you have to be nice to is wearing weed-patterned pants. 

 

At least Genji had wandered off.

 

He sighed. “Hanzo. Yours?”

 

“Jesse. Pleasure to meet you, Hanzo.” Jesse offered a hand forward. Hanzo was surprised at how warm his palm was, how nice the small callouses felt, but before he had too much time to think about it Jesse had retracted his arm and was looking forward with a glint in his eye Hanzo couldn’t place. 

 

This was going to be a long night.

\---

Jesse could not  _ believe _ his luck. Not only did he get a guy to talk to him in the horrendous shitshow of an outfit Fareeha had picked out, but he was probably the most beautiful guy he’d seen in his entire damn life. For once, his tactic of “extreme overconfidence” seemed to be working. The man--Hanzo--had seemed sort of tight-lipped at first (with due reason), but as the two of them got to talking it felt like he was actually interested in having a conversation, rather than just hanging around out of courtesy. 

 

The glass or two of beer he’d had probably helped too. 

 

“Woah, hol’ up, lemme get this right,” Jesse started, holding his hands up. “You’re telling me your favorite band is  _ Dead Sara?  _ No offense fella, but...y’don’t really seem the type.” 

 

Hanzo chuckled and laid a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “Appearances can be deceiving. My brother, too, remains convinced I have a perpetual rod in my spine. It is tough to meet people that understand.” 

 

Jesse felt his heartbeat quicken a bit at the contact and put a hand over Hanzo’s a little too quickly. “I hear you. If I’m bein’ honest, ain’t no one usually gets what I’m about at first glance. Even when I’m not wearin’ this ridiculous shit.” He laughed, gesturing down at his outfit with a free hand. 

 

“Mm.” Hanzo nodded, pulling his hand back from Jesse’s shoulder and taking a quick glance down his body. Again, Jesse felt his heart pick up, but said nothing. It was just the outfit attracting his attention, Jesse knew that. Certainly didn’t stop his traitor gut from twisting up at the lingering gaze below those long, dark lashes though. 

 

“I-It wasn’t my idea, if you’re wonderin’ ‘bout it. The outfit, that is.” Jesse laughed, short and nervous. Oh boy, here went the babbling. “Made a bet with a friend o’ mine. Makes me stand out though, I guess.” 

 

Hanzo took a long moment to consider his words, head tilting to the side. His hair fell with him as he did, long smooth strands shimmering in the low light of the bar. His bangs framed his face beautifully like this, accentuating the sharp cut of his jaw and the smooth curve of his dark eyes, the marble-like quality of his skin and the softness of those lips….

 

Those lips, which were moving and saying something Jesse most certainly  _ wasn’t  _ paying attention to. “Jesse?” 

 

“Hmm? Sorry, spaced out. Repeat that, sugar plum?” He blinked out of his reverie, a sheepish grin settling at his lips. Control your thirst, McCree, come on now. This guy was putting up with enough of your shit already.

 

Hanzo only smiled though, those lips quirking up in amusement once more. “I said, it most certainly does. Though, the leggings are a bit much.” 

 

Jesse laughed again and shrugged. “True that. They  _ are  _ mine though. Bought ‘em up in Weed, California. Actual town, didja know that?” He shook his head. “S’all novelty stuff up there. I thought it was funny, must’ve been fifteen or so.”

 

“I can see how you might’ve thought that.” Hanzo smiled, looking over at his empty glass. “When I was fifteen, I was under the impression that running with your hands behind your back made you go faster. I...may have watched too much anime as a child. Just a bit.” He laughed, and oh  _ man  _ did he have a beautiful laugh. Like bells in the wind, ringing on a warm sunny day.

 

“Y-Yeah,” Jesse stuttered out, swallowing thickly. 

 

“Though I must say, the pants are much more ridiculous than any kind of running habit.” Hanzo leaned forward, a wisp of his hair tickling Jesse’s nose as his breath ghosted against his ear. “I imagine they would look much less ridiculous on the floor, though.”

 

Boy howdy, Jesse was  _ fucked. _

\---

In all honesty, Hanzo hadn’t been quite sure what to expect when he’d made that deal with Genji. He knew it was mostly bluster and blind pride that had prompted him to do it in the first place, but when he’d laid eyes on Jesse in the bar he was at least 99% sure this would end with him backing down and letting Genji tease him once more. 

 

What he didn’t count on was Jesse McCree being not only attractive, but actually extremely personable and fun to talk to. He could blame it on the alcohol, but even Hanzo knew his tolerance was well above two small beers. 

 

No, he realized, staring up at the ceiling of Jesse’s dim hotel room at about five in the morning. He genuinely  _ liked _ this weed pants-wearing cryptid of a man. 

 

Hanzo rolled over and glared at the offending article of clothing that lay strewn about the floor. Something about the sight of them, the green and black monstrosity lying crumpled before him, made all of this seem so much less real. 

 

That is, until Hanzo heard a low grumble from behind him and a warm arm wrapped around his middle to tug him back towards the bed. 

 

“What time s’it, Han?” Jesse mumbled, lips pressed against the back of Hanzo’s neck. 

 

Hanzo huffed out a breath but couldn’t stop himself from smiling as he rolled over so that he and Jesse were face-to-face. “Too early to bother yourself with. You snore in your sleep, you know.”

 

Jesse cracked one eye open and yawned. “Only when I have a lovely angel like you with me, sweetheart. Ain’t you ever heard that us Americans are loud?”

 

“Yes, quite. I experienced that for myself last night as well, or have you forgotten?” 

 

That drew a sleepy grin out of Jesse, who moved forward to rest his nose against Hanzo’s. “Don’t think I ever rightly could.” He paused for a moment, brow settling into a slightly more serious expression. “I’d love to do this again sometime, y’know. Preferably with a real date, somethin’ nice and proper. Show you a good time and all.” 

 

Hanzo leaned up, brushing his lips against Jesse’s in a sweet little kiss. “That would be lovely. However, keep those horrifying pants out of my sight next time.”

 

“It’s a deal!” Jesse laughed and drew him back in for another kiss, humming with excitement. He wasn’t a superstitious man by any means, but he’d have to thank Fareeha later for giving him his newest lucky charm.

\---

**Clint McVan Cleef:**

call heaven, i think one of theirs is missin’

[bae.png]

won’t leave my bed

not that im complainin

**Rocket Queen:**

omg no way

that’s photoshopped

jesse

jesse pls

**Clint McVan Cleef:**

:^)

got me a boyfriend now fareeha

and its all thanks to the weed pants

y’should try ‘em sometime

**Rocket Queen:**

you’re  _ horrible _

I gotta meet him

tell him all the embarrassing stories

especially the time in cairo

**Clint McVan Cleef:**

you wouldn’t  _ dare _

**Rocket Queen:**

:^)

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I still can't believe I just...sat down and wrote this. Especially when I have finals to study for and other fics to write. Oh well, shitposting takes priority, I guess.
> 
> A big thank you as always to the ever lovely, oh so talented, exceedingly patient [Mango](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MalevolentMango)! The fact that you actually beta'd this for me is so amazing. Also your laughter at Genji's first line watered my plants and cured my anxiety.
> 
> Come find me on [tumblr](http://schrodingerslion.tumblr.com)! I'm also taking 'requests' right now so if that catches your fancy, click right on [here](http://http://schrodingerslion.tumblr.com/commissions)!
> 
> Have a good one!


End file.
